Taking Stock. New Perspectives. Moving on.

The month of September is a month I'd really love to forget that it ever existed. It's been a month of chaos, stress and suffering all rolled into one unrelenting day after another. The events that happened within the month has given me a new perspective to life and to a certain extent running. I needed to get this off my chest and also that if in the future I ever need reminding of the more important things and people in my life, I can shove this down my face. 

It all started when I contracted the damn dengue virus in the first week of September. I felt very feverish, the body was achy, even worse than marathon aches, my movements were laboured, extreme fatigue, headaches, I felt nauseous and while I'm not a firm believer in our "modern" medicine these days, the wife forced me to go to one so I reluctantly went.

The doctor looked me over and said you have the symptoms of dengue but looks mild (mild, God if only I could transfer what I was feeling to her) and prescribed me the usual anti-biotics, fever meds, etc and told me to just rest at home and only admit myself if I  felt worse or the fever doesn't go down in 3 days. I personally thought that was such a lame diagnose of my condition which took all of 3 minutes but heck, what do I know, I'm no doctor.

There were some positives, cos in a day or so the fever went away but the nausea was still there on and off. My appetite was the pits, nothing looked at all enticing to me but the wife made sure she forced food down my throat to get my health back up as soon as possible. My weight remained constant and wasn't dropping which was a good thing.

Things got a little better in about 4 days or so and I was even able to start my walks, yes walks, again. I was thankful for small victories or so I thought. A day or two later, was an incident that had me changing my entire outlook on life how selfish I've been to the one person who cares about me the most.

It was close to my usual bedtime (between 8.30 to 9.00pm). I was feeling fine the entire day but as I laid down for the night, I suddenly felt like throwing up. As any ordinary person would do in a situation like this, they'd rush to the toilet which was what I did or tried to do cos the moment I got up out of bed, I took two steps and had no memory of what happened after.

The account here is all from my wife. She was on her phone surfing beside me and said I took two steps and went down like a ton of bricks. The fall was so loud, even the older boy heard it all the way from downstairs. At first she though I tripped but the sound and the way I fell, drove her up instantly and she ran to me. She said I was flat out on the floor unmoving and all kinds of bad and crazy thoughts crossed her mind. 

But she saw that I was still breathing and she managed to get me conscious in about 30-40 seconds, which drew a huge sigh of relief from her. The first thing I asked asked was how did I fall off the bed from there to here? I couldn't remember a thing and thought I fell off the bed. While getting me up and back into bed, was when she realized I was bleeding from a few places on my face and body (from hitting the cupboard edges and floor). There was no time for a proper inspection cos this was when I blacked out again on the bed and she said I went into a fit like state with only the whites of my eyes showing for a few seconds before she slapped me out of it.

Right after this, the vomiting fit began. I started puking what little content in my stomach, which was not much really and practically all the bile I had in me non-stop for close to how long I can't remember (maybe 20-30 mins) but God, it was absolutely painful! I was also sweating so profusely that even running an ultra in the heat of Putrajaya didn't make me sweat this much. But through all this I was coherent enough to take stock of things like chest tightness, cramping, numbness, loss of motion or heart palpitations to know for sure it wasn't my heart. 

After nearly 50 minutes from the fall, I finally got hold of myself and calmed down enough to get back to some semblance of normalcy. I check my HR data just to be sure and my AHR during the incident never peaked to more than 96-100bpm so I guess I was good in that aspect. The next few hours was spent with the wife getting me hydrated properly again. She even called the younger boy to get a crate of isotonic drinks on his way back from work. The bile alone in the bucket could have filled up an entire can or two, let's not talk about the sweat I lost. 

I'm grateful that this happened when the wife was there cos I dread to think what would have happened if I was outside somewhere on my own. This was the point where it made me evaluate a lot of things. The wife was so worried (and scared) when I blacked out and this is not something she has handled before nor would want to but she steeled herself up pretty well to make sure I got out of this in one piece. She even fell and hurt herself while rushing to attend to me but adrenalin masked the pain and she only realized after things calmed down. I felt so bad for that.

But that wasn't the end of it, just as I was finally recovering from this scary episode and was already even starting to start my runs again, I got hit by the chills, fever, body aches and cough! Damn, what is going on I thought? One week after another, non-stop unrelenting health issues. I was back to being so fatigued from the fever and the cough was another issue. I was restless at nights, couldn't fall asleep (normally between 3-4am every night) and was walking around the room trying to tire myself out and doing my best not to wake the wife up. Then there was the cough. One thing I hate is having a cough that keeps draining you all day non-stop. Again the wife forced me to go see a doctor. This time I went to a different one, at least he was much better. 

I was seething with anger by this point, cursing whatever Gods were picking on me for whatever reasons I don't know. I was down, beaten, lowly and depressed. But then my wife, as she always does whenever I get into moods like this, sat me down and told me that it's time to stop this nonsense of self deprecating myself. It took some listening but it finally hit home that I've been practically putting undue stress and pressure on myself that contributed to my health issues the past months. She was right this nonsense has to stop.

I realized that in my pursuit for running excellence chasing one goal after another, experimenting with one plan after another, running one race after another, I've selfishly put my interest upfront and relegated her to sidelines. It's always and must be me first. And when I fail, I tend to take things very personally. I tend to blame my uselessness or lack of talent, blame the world even, with all sorts of excuses for my failures. 

Yet through all this, she's been a pillar of strength to me. Whenever, I feel like a failure, she's the first to pull me up, whenever things look bleak, she's the first to sit me down with a long pep talk. And believe me, I've taken it all for granted. But after the month I've had, it has given me a lot of time to take stock of my life and identify my weaknesses.

The past two years of the pandemic also didn't help things much, too many worries about how to make ends meet, will our savings last the duration, will we have to close shop, will I be able to put food on the table, all that was really weighing heavily on my mind though I'd be the last to admit it. Running your own company also tends to take a huge toll sometimes. Being totally useless health wise the past month has given me lots of time to think about things.

I've been doing this all wrong, looking at it from a very silly and skewered perspective of things. Looking back, life wasn't really that bad, we had food, we had savings and yet I made it look all doom and gloom and somehow it affected me subconsciously, my health took a dip, my temper levels rose, my zoning out level (as the wife put it) where I would just simply ... zone out became very frequent. I was more concerned about my running or lack of to be honest.

But after the month I've had, it finally hit me that while I love running, it really isn't everything compared to my family. If I fall sick, my running isn't going to take care of me, my wife will, which she has been doing such a back breaking job the past month to get me back to health. Don't get me wrong, I still love running and buying one running shoe after another but I have to prioritize the more meaningful and important things in my life first. Running can NEVER and MUST never take the top spot from her.

I cannot simply be selfish anymore and put running above all else. I still have goals, mind you and I know I am a person who can achieve them but not without her by my side anymore. Even GCM22 was really not the same without her there. You can bet your bottom dollar, I'm dragging her to #GCM23 even if I have to stuff her in my luggage! Life and running simply isn't the same if she's not in it with me together. 

Right now, I'm somewhat on the road to recovery, save for a persistent and irritating cough along with some fatigue. My fitness level has taken a dip so bad that it'll take months to get back to some semblance of fitness but my priority right now is to get healthy first and then slowly build the fitness back up again. I'm training my mind to see the positives in life and not look at all things as doom and gloom. 

The only person who can help me is myself and I aim to do that! And taking a page of the wife's wise words of wisdom - This will pass! Happiefeet V2, coming soon LOL!